Abandonment and the Soul
Four major steps toward forgiveness
“Whenever I walk to Suffern along the Erie track
I go by a poor old farmhouse with its shingles broken and black.
I suppose I’ve passed it a hundred times, but I always stop for a minute
And look at the house, the tragic house, the house with nobody in it…..”
(Abandonment) is a difficult force to reckon with because the wounds abandonment makes are deep and prone to infection.
In the poem, The House with Nobody in It, Joyce Kilmer beautifully personifies the feelings of an old house that is no longer lived in and every time I read it, something within my soul aches; I believe it’s the feeling of abandonment.
Many people we brush elbows with have an intimate relationship with abandonment. The destruction it makes is visible in our families, our circle of friends and in the workplace. It is a difficult force to reckon with because the wounds abandonment makes are deep and prone to infection. It can make you wonder if there is any hope for anyone wounded by this foe. The good news is, yes, there are definite steps you can take to defeat this formidable enemy.
Definition of abandonment
Describing abandonment and the thoughts, feelings and reactions it generates requires more than just a simple definition of the word itself. However, since I am an English teacher, I have often found that the definition of a term is a good place to begin when delving into a specific subject.
Abandonment means “to withdraw from, often in the face of danger….to withdraw protection, support or help.” (merriam-webster.com).
Abandonment holds within itself the deliberate retreat from another person; a specific choice to turn your back on someone else.
The word deliberate is a very important consideration in understanding this adversary. I find that deliberate actions are harder to deal with than unintentional ones. When someone makes the conscious choice to cause me harm, the damage to my soul is greater and therefore, the healing process more complicated. People throughout history know the anguish of abandonment, including individuals found within the pages of the Bible.
People who have been abandoned
As my mind flips through the pages of the Old Testament, I find it goes first to the book of Genesis. Though Joseph was the favorite son of Jacob (Genesis 37–50), he suffered the heartache of abandonment several times. Joseph’s own brothers, seething with jealousy, abandoned him by selling him as a slave. He was taken to a country he knew little about. Later, Potiphar, Joseph’s owner, sent him to jail when Joseph was not guilty of the crime of rape. The record of Joseph’s life paints a picture of the destruction abandonment makes. I have also wondered if Joseph may have felt abandoned by God.
The children of Israel also had to deal with feelings of abandonment when they were slaves in Egypt (Exodus 1–14). Year after year, the Israelites suffered under the thumb of Pharaoh and they cried out to God to deliver them. Their anguish was lifted toward the heavens for over 400 years and yet it seemed as if God had turned his back on them. They must have been well acquainted with the heartache of abandonment.
Judgement from those not in these situations may sit back and say, “I would have trusted God, therefore, I would have avoided this difficulty.” I know I have thought the similar things at one time or another but we have the benefit of hindsight, seeing the whole picture and not just a few pieces of the puzzle.
Feelings of abandonment vs. actual abandonment
Soul fitness must include distinguishing the difference between feeling abandoned and being abandoned.
Feelings of abandonment
Feelings of abandonment is when a person perceives that they have been abandoned but have not. As children, we may have experienced this feeling multiple times. For example, a boy is learning to ride a bicycle. His father helps him onto the seat and steadies it. As the boy peddles away the dad lets go. The boy may look back and see this and feel abandoned when, instead, the dad is close by, ready to help him if the need arises.
Abandonment is what our soul can sometimes feel when God seems to withhold His help. The children of Israel, amid the slavery in Egypt, must have felt that God had abandoned them, when, in actuality, He had not. He sent Moses at the right time to lead them out of Egypt and take them, ultimately, to the Promised Land.
Joseph discovered this truth that even when God seems indifferent to us, He has not abandoned us. Joseph explained his soul’s enlightenment with his bothers that had abandoned him. “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.” (Genesis 50:20–NIV) Joseph, by faith, acknowledged that God does not abandon His children, even when it seemed otherwise.
Actual Abandonment
Actual abandonment is when an individual has made the deliberate choice to “withdraw, protect, support or help” another. When someone is supposed to love, protect, support and/or help you leaves, a dark sense of betrayal hits the sufferer’s soul. Betrayal produces many feelings such as hurt, fear, anger, and sadness which can lead to much darker places within.
All the feelings associated with this betrayal are justified but the problem is that these feelings are like darts that hit your soul, the tips of which are poisonous. When these feelings are harbored (often unknowingly) within, the infection spreads. This infection seeps into our thoughts, feelings, relationships, motivations and more. The good news is, there is an antibiotic for this infection but the bad news is that this remedy comes with a cost, the act of forgiveness. It helps the soul haunted by abandonment but is only successful when the wounded person makes the choice.
The remedy of abandonment
A healthy soul must chose the antidote of forgiveness. Forgiveness is often a misunderstood process; it is not forgetting what someone else has done to you. Forgiveness does not involve forgetting, nor is it letting someone off the hook for what they did to you. Forgiveness is something you do for yourself.
The process of forgiveness
Forgiveness is a process of choices the soul must make to heal the wounds of abandonment.
1. The first choice of forgiveness is to acknowledge that someone has deliberately chosen to abandon you. Do not sugarcoat it; they did it. They are guilty and acknowledging what they did will help you make the next choice.
2. The second choice of forgiveness is to “let it go.” I understand this to mean that my soul will not feed the betrayal and keep it alive. I have already acknowledged it and there is now no need to hang on to it.
3. The third choice of forgiveness is to stop allowing the memory of the betrayal to replay in your mind. You can control what you think about and you can choose to “change the subject” in your mind. Instead, replay the lessons you have learned through this experience so the next choice is possible.
4. The fourth choice of forgiveness is to use the workout you have given your soul and help others who need it as well.
Dealing with abandonment and all it involves is a difficult but the soul that is not be fit, it is necessary. As with any other workouts, it may be difficult in the beginning but the more you practice it, the easier it becomes.
